Things I've Overheard

I don’t want to give the impression I’m an active eavesdropper. Somehow my ears just seem to perk up and tune in to the humorous or unusual happening around me. If you say something amusing within my earshot, I’ll likely take note and appreciate it. Here are some of my favorite things that I’ve accidentally overheard:

• While I was in a public restroom washing my hands, an older woman looking at the vending machine remarked to her friend "I'm surprised there aren't condoms in here. I mean, there's lip gloss and breath freshener. Where else do they think that's going to lead?"

• Said a co-worker hanging up the phone after speaking with his wife who called to tell him she may need stitches after badly cutting her finger while cooking for Thanksgiving “Well, the stuffing may no longer be vegetarian.”

• I was standing in line at the bagel shop, getting sustenance for the local March For Our Lives event, which you may recall was a demonstration in support of sensible gun laws. The small group in front of me was doing the same, while lamenting the fact their friend couldn’t join them. He couldn’t march because he’d just shot himself in the foot with a 20-gauge shotgun in a hunting accident. The irony was completely lost on them and I had to dig deep to not laugh out loud.

• It seemed like clarifying honesty hit this person mid-thought: “I rarely go. In fact, I’ve never been.”

• I was at Barnes and Noble when the ‘closing in 15 minutes’ announcement was made and I immediately heard one college-aged male defeatedly say to another "Oh God. We're just going to have to rent the movie."

• Heard this one in church: "He married a nun. Well, an ex-nun."

• I was strolling The Commons in Ithaca where I fell in step behind two young women speaking quite seriously and earnestly. One seemed to be on the defensive "I mean, I am a feminist, I just like to shave my armpits."

• Walking on the sidewalk at Penn State University, I passed two male college students walking in the opposite direction at this moment in their conversation "Dude, I'm just not comfortable with you keeping sperm in the fridge." I will always regret not making a u-turn to hear more.

• While I was getting a haircut, another woman getting her hair done was letting her child run wild in the salon. His behavior was getting worse and worse, and you could feel the tension in the room building. No one knew what to do or say. Finally, when he was poised to jamb a comb into the CD player, another female customer looked directly at the mom and asked in the most withering tone I’ve ever heard “Are you using Mommie Dearest as a parenting guide?”

• Is that better or worse than being too controlling of your child? On the subway, I heard a mother tell her child “If you don’t behave, Jesus won’t love you anymore.” Yikes.

• And lastly, my favorite. I came by this one third-hand, a friend of a friend heard it, but you can see why it was so widely shared. An exasperated mother, with a deep Southern accent, was out shopping with her small misbehaving child, who, for reasons I’ll never stop contemplating, she calls Spatula. On her last nerve, she reprimanded with “Spatula, I’ve got two words for you. Behave.”